Squishing About in My Brain

Archive for April 2016

Posted on: April 17, 2016

Getting Old…and Maybe Smooshy Inside

Yesterday was my birthday. I am in my mid-forties now. I do not like saying the number right now, because it doesn’t feel like my age. It sounds obscenely old when compared to how I feel as I move through my life. This is not a new feeling; I have felt this way for a lot of years now, and it never seems to resolve itself.

Every year on and around my birthday, a deep and merciless depression takes over and kicks my ass, looking at the lack in my life, the mistakes, the misery I feel, the life that I am not enjoying and do not feel like I am truly living, the life I have not created that would make me happy and content. This year, I seemed to have fought it off. I woke up yesterday happy and calm, went to work and stayed in a good mood, enjoyed the birthday decorations, appreciation of my coworkers, and the mounds of delicious food. I stayed happy all day, and came home and remained joyous and relaxed, until I got tired and fell asleep, with lovely 69 degree weather, windows open, at peace.

I slept until I woke up naturally today. That literally never happens. A good start.

I went shopping with my daughter today. We met my mom for dinner. It was wonderful and stress-free. We came home and had champagne cake that my mom got to celebrate me, and even though my dad was being his depressive, narcissist self, and whining and then silently pouting when we refused to give him a full quarter of this rich, sweet cake (by the way: HE IS DIABETIC), it was nice family time; another thing that rarely happens with us.

But now, looking at what a miserable human my father is all the time, how he lashes out at others and is only interested in being a victim of things of his own making with no accountability, even on someone else’s special day, I feel the annual black cloud encroaching on my mind.

It almost seems to be taunting me, like it is letting me know I cannot escape it with mere will power and daily drugs, no matter how old I get, or how hard I try; no matter how much love and compassion and joy I try to put out into the lives of others, into the world; no matter how hard I try to be the best me I can.

To fight it off, I decide to go outside and have sometime to myself, to cleanse myself from the constant thick, suffocating air of negativity in this house. I find it is still beautiful outside, so I put on shorts, take off shoes, and settle myself on the deck with a very interesting book I am reading, trying to rekindle the feeling blessed emotion I had earlier.

As dusk falls, trees black against the perfect blue-grey transitioning sky, moon already up and shining beautifully, I sit listening to the birds sing, the lovely breeze sigh, joyfully¬† watching the bats chase and catch their supper…a perfect spring evening.

And it suddenly hits me.

It is times like these, and tonight this exact moment in time, when I feel the most grateful, and love this city the most. And it makes me weepy.

Happily and spontaneously weepy.

Suddenly, being by myself in perfect oncoming night, watching things unfold as they may, is a moment I ask the universe to let me remember on my deathbed.

This perfect, unhurried, unmoving, unthinking moment.

For a few minutes, there is no worry, no stress, no negative thoughts, no dwelling on how fucked up things are in my life, how far I fall from the bar in other people’s judgements of my life, how far I am from where I know in my heart I need to be to make me able to be calm and full of joy, no have-tos or shoulds.

There is just an unbelievable complete adoration of the world and bursting joy watching bats careen around like untethered free spirits in my parents’ backyard, where I grew up to be exactly who I am. Exactly who I should be.

This is a moment I need to draw on when my depression monster jumps me and cuts off my breath, circumvents my momentum, leadens my movements, stops me in my tracks, makes me small and weak and afraid and falling.

This is a moment when everything is just as it should be.

I need it.


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