Squishing About in My Brain

Archive for August 2011

I think I have finally figured out why I feel so disconnected from America in 2011.

It isn’t because none of our politicians have anything close to MY best interests at heart.

It  isn’t because the distribution of wealth in this country is totally and completely unbalanced and generally fucked and more people are starving to death than are having parties.

It isn’t because I need Prozac (that’s the one thing I believe puts me IN the majority!)

Here’s what it is:

I am not competent at…playing video games.

No, seriously.

Now let me say, I can play the SHIT outta some Ms. Pac Man or some QBert or some Dig Dug or some such “classic” shit as that. Yes, yes, I can. I can take them bitches to the mat. I’m ALLL about the good ole days of little roundish things that run around and eat and blow shit up with a tire pump or just jump around, avoiding snakes. (And these actually seem like activities important to REAL LIFE, if you think about it.) And I can Wii Guitar Hero to a degree that I am totally happy with, especially since I am only competing against MYSELF.

But while I was off raising my kid in the 90s, on welfare, and struggling to have gas in the car and food on the table at the same time, video games done passed.me.by.

I have these friends…we will call them Jack and She…cuz their names are Jack and She…who are fucking MASTERS. And while I play it off, and encourage their video exploits like the nice girl I am, I AM JEALOUS.

Yes, yes I am.

I WANT to be good at video games again.

I WANT to be excited about the newest releases, and I want to feel like I COULD justify standing in line for hours the day they come out to get the cool marketing item that comes with it. Especially if it is an action figure or a T-shirt. I love me some interesting-graphic Ts. (Yes, I accept gifts. Why do you ask?)

I WANT to be able to play Halo without shooting at the sky or falling out of the little jeep-thing (see?! I can’teven remember what it is CALLED! is it some kind of warthog or something?) that Jack and She let me ride in so I could feel like I was participating! I want to be able to shoot them without them standing completely still and going in to the kitchen to get a drink so I CAN manage to shoot them!

I LIKE shooting games. When I was a teenager, I LOVED the zombie/ asylum game (House of the Dead, maybe?) at the movie theater…yes, kids, it was a freestanding arcade game you stood in front of, with big plastic guns attached, AND I LOVED IT! “Chel, movie’s starting. We’ll miss the previews! You hate to miss the previews! COME ON!” …”Yeah yeah, just a sec, I’m killing things!… Get out of my way! I HAVE TO RELOAD BEFORE THEY GET ME!”




I hate guns IRL…but I still love me some shooty games.

But now I find…I suck at them.



This not only saddens me to the very fiber of my being, it affects my self-image, and makes me feel JUST REALLY DAMN OLD.

Now I understand, as She told me once, that she and Jack didn’t have kids, and are a two-income family, and that those things contributed a great deal to them getting into games so much…basically, they COULD.

I had the community baby; they have the marriage and the game console and the big-ass TV.

I still feel left out.

So, I was thinking I might just buy a system and some shooty games, and maybe some adventure type games (yes, I played D&D with my brother, what of it? It was really more because I liked the little pewter figures we got to paint, more than anything else), and just play until I get good. Which I could see happening. And I am not someone who really feels the need to COMPETE with others, really, so I wouldn’t need to get online and play with other friends, so I wouldn’t need any of those extra mumbo-jumbo arrangements, like internet or some shit.

So I asked around, and more than a couple people told me that if that is ALL I wanted to do (like I was choosing to be a manure spreader instead of a heart surgeon, is how they made it sound), all I really needed was a Nintendo…I think. Or maybe there were numbers, like 360, after it. ANYWAY…something with decent graphics so I wouldn’t get bored (possible) or disgusted with the quality (more likely), but not some top o’ the line for hardcore gamers who were online playing like 24/7.  And,no, they said, Wii games aren’t the best, even though I actually have a Wii–okay, a Japanese Wii from the dawn of the Wii era, which you can only use Japanese Wii games, which you order from Asia, on anyway–and since I only play (Japanese) Guitar Hero on it, I am really NOT complaining about it, especially as it was a gift from my friend when she upgraded to the first AMERICAN version—

I mean, hell, people, I grew up with an Atari. I still remember how excited we were when the first Indiana Jones game came out for it. I think we wore the rubber off the joystick, running our little blockhead Indy past the snakes all day…I never DID master swinging across the chasm on the rope, though…that part stayed hit-or-miss until the day Nintendo came out and we dumped Atari…and I am pretty sure I used to have my little brother do the rope part and then give the joystick back to me anyway, to be honest…

Where was I…

Oh yeah. Just say no to Wii.


So I was thinking about getting that, and some games, and calling it my very own Winter Holidays gift. (My daughter doesn’t play. Has pretty much zero interest, aside from the occasional afternoon of Japanese Guitar Hero, which is why we don’t HAVE a gaming system already. I thought I raised her RIGHT, but now it’s feeling like SO.VERY.WRONG.)

But one thing led to another, and we needed new cell phones, and there were bills and I am trying to successfully masquerade as a responsible adult who doesn’t care for frivolous things and merely lives to slog through the daily adult bullshit and blahblahblah…

So I didn’t get a system. Or games. Or anything.

But I have come to feel that THIS, this ONE supreme lack in my life, is the reason that I feel disenfranchised and elderly and shit upon by the modern era.

And yes, I DO realize that I just quit my job because I just could NOT be spoken to in that demeaning manner ONE MORE TIME, but…I still want to play. Which means I need a system. And, as far as I know, there is no rent-to-play system, or scholarship set up in the world to help underpriviledged, exhausted, depressive, disenfranchised, unemployed, adult mothers of teenagers who don’t have any interest in gaming.

I’d apply for the program immediately if there were! I am sure I could write the hell out of a successful essay, pleading my case and showing my suitability for the awarding of such bounty! 


But I still have no shooty-game outlet.

And I still feel out of step, even though I KNOW about the games, and even their plots, and HOW to unlock the secret whatevers…because I do not play them.

And at this point it doesn’t matter anyway…

I spent the money on books instead. 


(Because, I am OLD, that’s why!)









You should go read these…they made me giggle. At myself.

Blog Stats

  • 2,491 hits

Enter your email address to subscribe to this blog and receive notifications of new posts by email.

Join 2,452 other followers