Squishing About in My Brain

You CAN Go Home Again

Posted on: August 10, 2010

Thomas Wolfe was wrong, although it did make a great title for his book: you CAN go home again.

The problem is that Home-Then and Home-Now are completely different species, in ways you could not have prescienced.

But you can go.

Part of the difficulty, of course, is that after being Away for almost ten years, you are not even close to being the same person you were then. The sun keeps rolling through the sky that entire time, time moves in a forwardly direction, and while YOU are evolving, others are changing, too…and not necessarily in the same direction. While we all have different life paths, that doesn’t change the fact that some people’s changes just irritate us no end sometimes.

With all the high-adrenaline months leading up to such a huge move, you don’t have time to think about how the changes may go; you just have time to organize and GO! And then when the move, for all intents and purposes, is DONE, you get to ride the adrenaline for as long as you can until you crash.

It takes until the crash to start to recognize and cope with the changed universe you now inhabit.

It’s rough.  And necessary. But rough, all the same.

As a 41 year old woman who has been raising teenagers for the last years, this is a harder adjustment than I imagined. In some ways, coming back and needing to live with your retired parents makes you suddenly feel less like an adult, despite the fact that you are still that same mom and woman you were before, with the same responsibilities and worries (plus new ones, unless you LIKE not running your own household!)

The problems just seem more weighty when you find that your journey has left you so incredibly far away from where the other people around you have ended up.

I have an almost completely different personality than I had ten years ago–in a good way, mind you. I am a more thoughtful, less judgmental, more relaxed, more understanding, calmer and less grumpy human now. And I am glad of it.

But I am not finding that everyone in my daily life now is like that, or can see that in me. It is hard to be talked to like, and seen as, you were ten years ago, even by people who know exactly what hardships and trials you have had to deal with, let alone by people who do not have that knowledge.

Admittedly, I did not expect the shock to be so powerful.

But I am not complaining, either: just trying to find my way through, to where I can be who I really am again, and not be frozen and limited by the actions of other people.

I never thought I would have such a hard time defending or defining myself at this point in my life. It is bewildering. My reaction and attendant paralyzation is more bewildering to me than the attitudes that surround me, to be honest.

I think right now the name for what I feel is “at sea”.

And that is okay. I have to accept it to get through it.


2 Responses to "You CAN Go Home Again"

Are things getting better?

This is just the start of your awesome next chapter luv :kiss

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