Squishing About in My Brain

On a Lost Hope

Posted on: January 25, 2009

Eventually, you get to a point where you have fooled yourself for too long, and talked yourself into things as your status quo that lessen you as a person. And it is hard as hell to stop deceiving yourself and turn that around. But eventually, it is too tiring to keep trying to support and buoy someone up at your own expense, with no end in sight. Eventually it is too much to continue feeling hurt by someone else’s actions or lack thereof, no matter how much you truly love them, no matter how full your heart is for them, no matter how much you still desire a life with them. Eventually you figure out that you are waiting for a happening that would get the shittiest of odds if it were a horse bet at the track, and that has no glimmer of horizon’s edge. So eventually, you stop making one more attempt, and stop waiting, and stop making excuses that you call “being understanding” and keep you stuck in your pain. And that is hard, especially when it is not a LOT of different things, but just ONE thing. One thing that is too big a load to keep carrying, and one that you both did not expect to have to carry so long, and that wasn’t really your load to begin with, but one you voluntarily took up, never expecting it to last so long, or diminish you so damn much. In the tug-of-war you create between your own heart and your own mind, eventually the organ most filled with pain does not have the strength to go on, and the other makes the decision for you. And your friends call it “standing up for yourself” or “valuing yourself” or “deserving better”. And it is a painful fact of life that if you hide from making a decision in life, a decision gets made for you. Avoiding decisions does not work out for anyone in the end. And the new crack in your heart is thunderously loud and leaves you destitute and in pain, regardless of how the decision gets made. And the dream gets retired, and life goes on…just not as brightly, and with a void that aches.

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